I’m certainly not thrilled with every aspect of the aging process, but my wife is recently even less enamored by it. We run a longevity and women’s health clinic for crying out loud; if anyone was prepared to navigate a woman’s mid-life changes it would be us. We know how to eat, how to exercise, which doctors to see, what supplements to take, and how much sleep to get. Yeah, yeah, it all helped to be sure, but the process still hasn’t been any fun for her. Shockingly, me going in to full coach mode* certainly didn’t help:-( Through the process, though, I’ve learned so much about what type of support she actually needs, and how I can best help her.
Coaching doesn’t always do it
Marci had a hysterectomy over a year ago. She went from an slow glide into perimenopause to a major surgery recovery and whiplash hormonal fluctuations basically over night. She was warned to expect a 6-week surgery recovery, but we knew that her adjustment to a new normal would take longer. It’s been over a year, and some weeks are still a struggle for her: fatigue, stomach issues, lack of motivation, brain fog, and constant frustration.
I was sure I’d be ready to provide the best possible menopause coaching for her. I’d trained dozens of women through the process over the years, even before they could get the HRT they needed. I read Stacy Sims, watched the Mary Claire Haver interviews, and felt like I had a solid strategy: don’t coach women like men, don’t have her intermittent fast, manage her intensity to account for hormonal fluctuation and prevent injury. I was ready.
Yeah it didn’t work. Some days she just doesn’t want to be motivated. Every workout I came up with was a non-starter, and every meal I suggested cooking for her made her gag. Even promising her that sex would make her feel better fell flat…can you imagine?!
She doesn’t need a coach, she needs a patient and steady partner. When I ask her what I can do, she says “…just be here with me”. She doesn’t need me hiding at work trying to provide, force feeding her healthy food, or doing Kegel work with her for solidarity. She needs me to show her support in the simplest way possible: being present and just letting her be frustrated, sad, unmotivated.
Don’t ‘Boomer’ it
There isn’t much the Boomers did to set a good example for us, but I’m not going to get into all that here. We’ll leave issues surrounding the environment, class divide, and god awful fashion for another post. But when it comes to medical care: Boomer women really did get the short end of the stick. Doctors (yes, even female doctors), terrified by the Women’s Health Initiative, refused to give women appropriate HRT support when they needed it (The FDA just removed the ‘black box’ label from women’s HRT last week…it took 23 years!). Boomer husbands/partners were pretty much uninvolved (you can’t really blame them as they never went to the doctor themselves anyway).
Thankfully my generation isn’t following suit. GenX men aren’t wearing cargo shorts with New Balance (mostly), and GenX women are throwing their society finger at doctors who won’t help. We all have so much more access to better information, and some key voices in the field (both male and female docs) are encouraging women to seek better medical advice. Finding the right practitioner who is up to date on all the new HRT options, though, can be tricky. So here is a HUGE thing we men can do to help. If a doctor says your partner isn’t a good candidate for HRT, you can help her find another doctor.
Again, this process isn’t easy. Marci and I run a women’s health practice, and it’s still been quite the journey to assemble the right team of providers that can manage better outcomes for our female clients. Since there are so few progressive HRT doctors, our biggest challenge now is getting appointments for our clients sooner than 6 months out.
Nature’s Sense of Humor?
The biggest run of luck for Marci and I as we’ve aged is that we don’t seem to be doing it at the same pace. My big crash was in my mid-30’s: surgery, recovery, and acceptance of my body’s aging. Now she is in the mix in her late-40’s. It’s like we’ve been tag-teaming life: one partner healthy to help the other through a tough spot. Maybe that’s by design, as if nature is cutting us some slack. I do hope this doesn’t mean that it’s my turn next…maybe our 50’s will be smooth:-)
It is SO nice to see my wife feeling better and better as we progress through peri-menopause. What we’ve learned from her experience has been able to help countless other women in our practice who are experiencing rough symptoms but didn’t have access to the right care and support until now. We constantly coach proper exercise, nutrition, and stress management to assist with the process, but the best strategy is really much simpler than I was expecting…
If she’s emotional, hug her. If she’s exhausted, let her nap. If she’s angry and frustrated, give her space. It’s hard to accept that I can’t fix it, and sometimes trying just makes it worse. What I can do is be patient, supportive, and understanding. Just be there.
I certainly couldn’t have survived my 30’s without her. Now I’m trying to pay her back the best I know how. Maybe nature will be cool and give us a break in our 50’s. If not, we’ll be ready to face that decade together.
Live Long. Live Well.